Thursday. 8 April 2010. Kind of.

ACKACKACK.

Okay, it's not actually Thursday. It's Friday, and it's 1:30, and Charles and I finally got off of Skype and we finally said goodnight to Ben and Fio. And I forgot to blog today, what with all the excitement and I realized it and I was like ocrap but I'm not going to not blog because today was a VERY GOOD DAY.

Okay. Okay. So, starting with the most recent thing and moving backwards. Charles and I were Skyping (surprise surprise XD) and he was yawning and I was noting (silently) the circles under my eyes so I was shooing him off to bed. And we did the 'kiss in your direction' thing, not the 'blow you a kiss' thing, and we did it at the same time. Like, perfect coordination. And I turned away and laughed and quietly told him something along the lines of how crazy it'll be once we're actually in the same room. And then I glance at him, and he leans back and prefaces it with the normal 'I don't mean this like it sounds' and then says: "I'm not going to be able to stop kissing you, you know."

And he went on and told me how so.

My heart is still racing. I could feel it, I could see it, I was there, for those few moments I was there, and it was incredible. I could feel him. Feel /us/. My stomach dropped, my heart twisted and turned in agony of him not being here, of me not being there, of not being with him. I swear, this man is the most incredible thing to happen in my life.

Backtrack an hour, and you have Charles and I in the midst of a discussion about how both of us have this feeling about being made to do /something/. Charles knows it because it just seems like he can't die (along with the gut feeling); I know it because it's the same nudging sensation I get from God. I'm praying that this might might might be the first step on a path towards his walk with the Lord. But there's a part of me that's also got this absolute joy coursing through me, like blood in my veins, making me dizzy, making me hopeful, giving me everything I was praying for so desperately yesterday.

Because tonight, in that conversation, I found the conviction that I have so desperately needed. If this is what Charles has been driven to his entire life - to me - and that's what I feel - it's the same gut nudge - and when he said that, I just... I felt myself bracing my mental stance, spirit standing up straighter, emotions flowing again like they haven't for a week. Uncertainty is gone. Out the window, fled into the night like shadows retreat with dawn. Here is where I am. And here I shall stay. I'm surprised by the joy. I took a moment and just threw my head back, smiling, close to tears, feeling that same joy I feel when I dance with the Lord. It was a long minute of harmony between the two great loves of my life, and my spirit is still resonating. I want to dance, to spin in the rain, to just open my mouth and have all the joy pour out in a song that's as unearthly as this feeling is, because for some reason I know that the more I let go in praise, the more I'll feel, until I collapse from exhaustion from reveling for so long.

Arabic was fine. I did better on the test than I thought I would, and Mary invited me to a movie-day-spree on Saturday. She said that I'd be back before evening, so that I can still watch Phantom with Charles. She seemed enamored by the idea. I also gave her a brief description of his Valentine's Day gift to me. And she squeed. I'm not the only one who thinks it's utterly romantic and so incredibly sweet. X3

Fio was a lot more open and relaxed than I thought she would be, from how Charles has described her. But Ben is utter and epic win. I have merely brushed my toes into the wellspring of his knowledge on all things that I adore, and I want to dive in it for days on end. Because this is something I've dreamed of reading about, but this is so much better than reading because here is something that I can ask questions to and complete sentences for and bounce ideas around with. Military history, tactics, the order of creation, the dominance of different types of infantry and cavalry against one another... Which reminds me, John from Arabic (a highschooler) told Mary and I about the SCA, a medieval reenactment society that actually teaches those who want to learn how to swordfight. Armor and all. You can get knighted if you're good enough. Learn polearms. Duel blades. Be a blacksmith, be a lord, I don't know what else but dear heavens above, today is amazing.

Mom even gave a semi-cheerful reply to my 'happy afternoon' text: 'Good afternoon :D." I'm not sure about that period, but it was there and yeah. Gah.

Waking up wasn't fun, I was warring with the dark thoughts of yesterday and the day before, and my Charles wasn't responding because he was sleeping and I was jealous because Frankie was heading out the door and I realized Ben was in the room and had been for a while and I was like "Ohai" in that "I woke up five seconds ago, can you tell?" voice. And Frankie and Ashley both watched the Dramatic Reading of a Real Breakup Letter and they both nearly died laughing and Frankie and I are going to maybe blog our life (in our copious amounts of spare time x.x) and and and

Calculus.

Exam.

Sleep.

I miss Charles already. It's barely been 20 minutes.

I'm hopeless.

I also have to use the bathroom.

Stopping now. Goodnight. Can we please pretend it's Thursday? Kthxbai.