Tuesday. 6 April 2010.

I'm glad my parents know about Charles and I now. I'm glad there are no more secrets. But my heart is still pounding too quickly and I still want to cry. I don't... I wish... I... I wish I didn't feel like I was going against all of my family by doing this. I pray desperately that time will convince them where words will not.

Because this - seems - sounds - feels - alright. There are too many emotions, too many conflicts, and I hate it, but this is something to stand up for. It's an attempt to compromise two separate worlds, and something has to give. I am this. I am me, even if my family is a part of me, even if my friends are a part of me. Charles is a part of me. I want there to be no strife. But then the world would be perfect.

I wish I could feel the optimism I show. It's easy to be strong for Charles, it's natural, it's right. But I tread in my own mind and the fear comes back, the uncertainty, the shadows. The worries. I don't know what the future will hold. I don't know what to expect.

One thing I do know, for certain, is that there are two who will never leave my side through it all. The first has been with me since before I was born - my God - and the second is Charles. I cling to that. No matter what happens, I will not face it alone. I have the strength to get through this, the knowledge to use my resources if not my wisdom, and... and I have the sheer force of will to keep going. Stubbornness, if you wish. I lean not on my own understanding. But Charles was put here for a reason. I had to go through Jack for a reason. And those reasons have led me to this point.

Lord, if this is the wrong path, I'm not going to see it unless you put a stumbling stone in my way that will knock me flat on my back and unconscious. I'm stronger than I was before, that strength is something You gave me. Is this why I have it? For Charles? Please, Lord. Please. Let this be your plan. Let this be the road you want me to walk. Let there be hope in what I want, and a future in this man. You know the agony I would be in were this not my path. You know Charles' agony, as well. It's so difficult to give it all up to you.

But only you can sway hearts, only you can guide me through this. The tears I shed now are the only thing I can offer you besides my heart and my spirit, and both are yours already. I've made mistakes. But always, always you draw me back to you. As long as both you and Charles are in my life, aiming towards the same path - as long as the three of us walk together - there is nothing more I could wish. I cannot say I would be joyous with that course. But assurance is what I need. Confidence.

You know my heart. You know my needs, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. I lay it at your feet.

I feel lighter now. Tired, worn, weary, but lighter. And again will come the hope and the love, just as dawn always comes after midnight. It's just going to take a while.